Don't put the thing near the thing

Dear Japanese Kids:

I think you're awesome. 99.9% of you are super cute, super genki, and I want to put you in a glass case and ship you back to Australia. I can barely keep from retching whenever I see a non-Japanese child. When I go back home I'm sure I'll barely able to stop myself from spitting on anyone under the age of 20. That being said, even I have my limits. So without further ado, here's some advice on how to stay on my good side.

I'm not a particularly strict teacher. I want to be liked. I want the Dead Poet's Society moment. I want cheering throngs of kids hoisting me on their shoulders. I want a former student to step up to the podium and talk about how me teaching them to JUMP FIVE TIMES! TURN AROUND! inspired them to cure cancer/win an oscar/invent an insane new dance move. So I'll go to great lengths to keep you happy. But DON'T, whatever the circumstances...

1) Draw on your hand, if I give you a pen
2) Then attempt to wipe off the pen mark with a whiteboard eraser
3) Encourage other members of the class to do exactly the same thing
4) Hold an impromptu 'kick the wall as hard as you can' competition
5) Sulk and pretend to leave the class when I tell you to stop
6) Sulk even more when you realize that I don't care if you leave
7) Try to drop the table on another student
8) Deliberately draw on the table
9) Sharpen the crayons for no reason
10) Proceed to rub the crayon sharpenings into the table
11) Call me a 馬鹿先生 (stupid teacher). Three times.

What's that you ask? Did I have a bad day today?