Japanese Confetti

Goodbye Mr. Chips (and beans)

2009-03-13T23:08:00.002+09:00

It was a sad day today over at Japanese Confetti, as both Sally and I said goodbye to students that we've taught for the full two years we've been in Japan. It wasn't the last scheduled lesson, but the end of the school year is playing havoc with attendance, and so a lot of students won't be able to make the last class. And thus it was I said goodbye to Yuki*, the second student I ever taught, and the first student of mine who didn't run screaming into a pile of cushions upon seeing me.

Yuki was a curious little fellow; his mother used to dress him up like a preppy extra from a Wes Anderson movie, which, coupled with his round face and old man haircut, lent him a certain gravitas not usually associated with a seven year old child. A gravitas that was all but destroyed the first time he let rip with the ripest, most evil smelling fart this side of a field full of dying cows. Usually Yuki, adhering to the universal principle of 'The next person who speaks is the person who reeks'** would keep silent about his many downstairs explosions. However, sensing that my time in Japan was short, he decided to up the ante last week by turning around and deliberately cutting the cheese into my face. I didn't know whether to stand and applaud or break every bone in his tiny body, so I settled for bashing him over the head with a cushion.

Thus begins two weeks of having my heart broken again and again by a bunch of snotty nosed germ factories in gumboots and silly yellow hats. Sad frowny face goes here ---->.

*Not his real name, because his real name is too hilarious and you'd think I was making it up.
**Japanese translation would be appreciated.

A Newborn Pony

2009-03-05T18:33:00.002+09:00

Imagine for a second (as I'm sure we all have) that you're Hugh Jackman. Internationally acclaimed song and dance man, loved by women and admired by men. You're on the final leg of a seemingly interminable press junket, only interrupted by the sudden urge to host the Oscars. The movie you're promoting is... less than admirable. Scratch that. It's terrible. Waterworld terrible. You're tired of having to pretend that Nicole Kidman is human, and that Baz Luhrmann didn't eat a big box of ritalin before forcing a Mills and Boone novel to rape the cinematographer before shooting started every morning. All you want is a few softball questions and a polite round of applause. And then you find yourself on Japanese TV...

And the next thing you know you're shouting BIG TITS whilst shortly after the doyen of Japanese comedy pretends to be a newborn foal. Japan, we've had our differences but I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. HUUUUUGGGGGGSSSSS!

Thomas the Offroad Tank Engine

2009-02-25T23:29:00.003+09:00

I'm not sure how much you remember about your kindergarten days. All I can remember is that for some reason I went to two kindys, possibly because I was expelled from the first, and that one of them had a splintery old row boat in the playground (The USS 'lawsuit waiting to happen'). We certainly never had anything as cool as this:

I'll get back to you on that one.

2009-02-22T19:10:00.002+09:00

Discussing the floods in Queensland with some students.

Me: In fact, a boy was eaten by a crocodile.
Confused Student: Was it...delicious?

Oh the perils of the passive voice.

We're baaaaaack!

2009-02-19T22:17:00.003+09:00

Well, after almost two years in Japan and a lengthy blog hiatus, I've now saved up enough 'insights' for 61 blog posts, a tell all novel and a poorly conceived and shoddily acted sitcom starring former wonder years teen hearthrob Fred Savage. Coincidentally, we have 61 days left in Japan.

So to kickstart things, here's yet another in the seemingly endless parade of impossible to understand Japanese commercials.

This is an ad for 豆しば (mameshiba), which are these adorable keychain type things which are basically fake edomame bean thingo's, the catch being when you squeeze the bean out, it has an adorable little puppy dog face. How cute, warm fuzzy rainbow hug squadron etc. So what the Dickens is the caper with this ad? Here's my (possibly wrong) transcript:

Cute Puppy Bean: nyyuuuuuunnn!

Salaryman: Eh?

Cute Puppy Bean: Did you know?

Salaryman: Eh? What is it?

Cute Puppy Bean: The inside of a Kangaroo's pouch is reallllllly stinky.

*Salaryman's soul leaves his body*

Salaryman: Thankyou for the delicious meal.#

If you're like me, your face probably looked a bit like this -----> ???! at the end of the ad. I think the prospect of walking the earth as some kind of soulless kafkaesque drone is not what I'd be hoping for after an encounter with a cute little talking bean.

A visit to the doctor

2008-10-24T20:08:00.004+09:00

It seems that all I write about on this blog are my doctors' visits. This is probably because other daily experiences that I could write about have all begun to feel 'normal', but going to the doctor here is still pretty strange to me.

I have had a cold or something for a few days, especially a sore throat, so I thought I'd better get it checked out in case it was tonsillitis or something. I decided not to bother with finding an English speaking doctor and just go to the closest medical centre (about 5 mins walk from my apartment).

When I got there the nurse asked lots of questions about symptoms and stuff (which I managed to get through in Japanese with no problem), and she took my temperature and I had to give a urine sample. The doctor could speak a little English. He looked down my throat, and listened to my breathing and said that I had an infection or influenza (I'm not sure which he said) and that I should take antibiotics for 5 days. They then sent me into another room and put some kind of inhaler into my mouth for 3 mins and then up my nose for 3 mins. I had no idea what it was, but I think it was just moist warm air. When I asked what it was, the nurses answered 吸入(kyuunyuu) , which means "inhaler", not very helpful. When I got home I looked up on the internet and it appears that no studies have been able to show any benefits of inhaling steam. Oh well.

So I paid about A$15 and got a paper bag full of drugs. They are colour coded for when I have to take them. I have to take them for 5 days, and there are SIX different kinds of tablet. I have to take 2 kinds of tablet twice a day and 4 kinds of tablet 3 times a day. It was just like getting a showbag. Anyway, I am feeling a little better now, so I'll try and go to work tomorrow.

2008-10-23T20:41:00.001+09:00

!!!

Four arms make your freestyle that much faster

2008-08-18T09:27:00.003+09:00

There are only three days of our lovely summer holidays left. Nagoya's heat has not been quite so accomodating as Hokkaido's, so we decided to take a day trip to a beach on the other side of Japan. This is the kind of thing you can do in a country so skinny that you could just about throw a rock from one coast to the other.

Now, you may remember our last little sojourn to Shin Maiko beach, a place whose defining characteristic was the giant wind turbine quietly chugging away in the background. Well, the beach we went to yesterday something even better....

Here we have the happy throngs of gyaru and gyaru-o, resplendent with their immaculate hair and sun proof skin.

Swimming away happily in the suspiciously warm water, not a care in the world. But wait, what's that in the background...

It's a nuclear power plant! Hooray! According to the science nerds (Sally and Claire) it has no Simpsons-esque cooling towers because they pump the water straight into the sea.*That would explain a lot of the hairstyles we saw.

*Apparently safe.

Bike Riding

2008-08-12T14:45:00.002+09:00

Only two more days of our Hokkaido adventure to go. We've now taken over 450 photos, thanks to Sally's constant interjections (Oh look a squirrel/leaf/flower/tree/man with hat jauntily cocked hat!) although sadly I failed to take a photo of the hella sassy old lady with half an octopus leg sticking out of her mouth. You'll just have to imagine that one yourself.

Today was spent riding bikes all over Biei, in total we managed about 30~40 kms which is pretty good for two people who usually break a sweat eating dessert. Furthermore, we did a fair wodge of hiking yesterday, including going to a mountain (and then deciding not to climb it). So we're a bit tired. Tomorrow we're off to Hakodate, which according to my students has one of the best three night views in the world. We shall see.

Greetings from Hokkaido

2008-08-10T15:49:00.002+09:00

Hello to our remaining reader,

We're currently sitting in the world's swankiest internet cafe (the room is basically a bed with a desk, TV, and a computer). In fact, the entire trip so far has been a procession of superlatives: The world's drunkest man waxing lyrical about accents, the world's rudest man playing his crappy music whilst I was trying to sleep, and the world's most overhyped zoo (Asahiyama Zoo, I'm looking in your direction). In spite of all that, we're having a good time, so expect a full report on Thursday night.

Beach Party / Thom's Birthday Party

2008-07-08T11:44:00.010+09:00

On Sunday, thanks to the super organisation of our friend Yukiko, about 20 of us headed off to Shin-maiko 新舞子 beach not far from Centrair airport. It's an 'artificial' beach, which I think means that there was no sand there before they put some there. For those readers from Adelaide it reminded us a bit of the port river, more like a river/port than a beach. For added ambience it is backed by a huge industrial area mostly consisting of oil erfineries or something. Jacqui did question the intelligence of swimming in such an environment but Eric and I reassured her that there must be legislation in place to protect us, so lets not worry about it. Here are some scenic pictures of the beach. Note: it even has grass to sit on - luxury!

In case you're wondering, yes, that is a wind turbine in the second shot. Below is a picture of Liz and Kirten pretending to be one too.

And the last picture should be on next cover of tce (the chemical engineer) magazine.

We had a great time at the beach, not getting burnt, playing ultimate frisbee, swimming, throwing seaweed at each other (the seaweed is exactly like the stuff in miso soup - わかめ), harassing a half American kid called James and, of course, eating and drinking.

I even managed to convince some other people to follow me on a fruitless hunt for somewhere to rent windsurfing equipment from. Maybe next time.

With Chocolate toothpaste not far behind

2008-06-25T11:56:00.002+09:00

Coca Cola Japan have decided to release a new zero calorie variety, that is also infused with vitamins (81% of your required daily Vitamin C intake). This does of course necessitate a taste test, particularly given that I've already missed the boat when it comes to Pepsi's summer monstrosity (this year it's Blue Hawaii).

Zero calories has been the latest trend to sweep Japan's beverage market, so much so that every manufacturer now has some kind of zero calorie beer, a situation which Sally has deemed 'impossible', because alcohol itself contains calorie..ZZZZZZZ. This was about the point where I drifted off, but maybe some of you science types can let me know what's what in the comments section.

Furthermore, whilst a drink with 81% of your Vitamin C needs might sound impressive, it's not so spectacular in a country where you can buy drinks from almost any vending machine that provide you with up to 1500% of your daily Vitamin C needs. Try a bit harder next time, Coca Cola.

花火！

2008-06-22T21:39:00.002+09:00

Perfect Sounds Forever

2008-06-17T12:48:00.004+09:00

Thanks to a bit of good luck and an early finish time on Mondays, I was able to follow the trail of moppy haircuts to club upset and see Deerhoof play. I have previously railed against the ridiculously early start time of gigs in Japan, but I guess in a way it's nice not to have to wait around until one in the morning for the headline act to start, particularly if it's someone that I have no great love for.

It was a pretty good gig (also featuring Xiu Xiu, tenniscoats, and Shugo Tokumaru) and I was quite impressed with Deerhoof. Also, it was nice to see someone whose Japanese ability is almost a perfect match for my own. So thanks for that, Greg Saunier.

Karaoke

2008-06-15T22:10:00.003+09:00

I FEMALE!

2008-06-13T22:22:00.002+09:00

I'm sure you're all familiar with the typically racist comedic trope in which some ne'er do well will mock Japanese people because they can't properly distinguish between r and l. But have you ever wondered if Japanese people make fun of our crappy Japanese accents? Do they suppress a chortle every time an American or Australian says KEY YO TOE, TO KEY YO, CARRY OKI, or KARATEE? Wonder no longer!

This thing starts weird but ends up funny. Keep watching until right before the end. I'm pretty sure I'm laughing at it for different reasons than were intended though.

Don't put the thing near the thing

2008-06-03T22:59:00.002+09:00

Dear Japanese Kids:

I think you're awesome. 99.9% of you are super cute, super genki, and I want to put you in a glass case and ship you back to Australia. I can barely keep from retching whenever I see a non-Japanese child. When I go back home I'm sure I'll barely able to stop myself from spitting on anyone under the age of 20. That being said, even I have my limits. So without further ado, here's some advice on how to stay on my good side.

I'm not a particularly strict teacher. I want to be liked. I want the Dead Poet's Society moment. I want cheering throngs of kids hoisting me on their shoulders. I want a former student to step up to the podium and talk about how me teaching them to JUMP FIVE TIMES! TURN AROUND! inspired them to cure cancer/win an oscar/invent an insane new dance move. So I'll go to great lengths to keep you happy. But DON'T, whatever the circumstances...

1) Draw on your hand, if I give you a pen
2) Then attempt to wipe off the pen mark with a whiteboard eraser
3) Encourage other members of the class to do exactly the same thing
4) Hold an impromptu 'kick the wall as hard as you can' competition
5) Sulk and pretend to leave the class when I tell you to stop
6) Sulk even more when you realize that I don't care if you leave
7) Try to drop the table on another student
8) Deliberately draw on the table
9) Sharpen the crayons for no reason
10) Proceed to rub the crayon sharpenings into the table
11) Call me a 馬鹿先生 (stupid teacher). Three times.

What's that you ask? Did I have a bad day today?

エド・はるみ

2008-06-02T23:11:00.002+09:00

In case you were wondering what's happening in the world of Japanese comedy now that Yoshio Kojima has disappeared off the face of the earth, behold! Japan's latest comedy sensation: Edo Harumi. Apparently she used to be a flight attendant trainer who decided to become a stand up comedian. As far as I can tell, her routine consists of ending every English word that ends with ing with a long drawn out GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD and giving the thumbs up. Whether this is some kind of super Neil Hamburger-esque meta comedy or just another example of why I'll never understand Japanese TV remains to be seen (Sally thinks she's funny, which clearly demonstrates that she's been in Japan too long). Anyway, judge for yourself.

|comedy: 喜剧; 喜剧性的场面; 喜剧性的事件

2008-05-28T17:27:00.001+09:00

Today's edition of bad Engrish T-shirts:

"Nothing Venture, Nothing Again"
"I don't like French Kissin"
"I cannot withstand eternally armed conflicts"

and best of all...

MEGA GAME FUN

2008-05-23T13:34:00.002+09:00

Me: Do you know what the nintendo famicon was called in America?
Student: Family Computer?
Me: No, it was called "Super Nintendo".
Entire Class: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA really?
Me (slightly puzzled): .....yes. (?!)

Picnic in the park part 1

2008-05-21T10:26:00.003+09:00

Two Heads and Webbed Toes

2008-05-20T23:01:00.001+09:00

Me: So, any last questions about the lesson?
Student: Yes... What do Tasmanians look like?

Japanese Mysteries #1

2008-05-16T07:01:00.003+09:00

Japan is seen by many as a somewhat enigmatic society, with social codes and mores that are indecipherable to an outsider. Having now lived in Japan for over a year, I think that's true to a certain extent. For how else could you explain Japanese Mysteries #1....

Why do they only sell sports drinks in one flavour?

When it comes to most snacks, the Japanese are suckers for variety. Just yesterday I bought an あずき　flavoured kit kat (sweet red bean paste!) and a pineapple fanta (I have three teeth left now, thanks for asking). But when it comes to sports drinks, you're limited to what might best be described as 'generic' flavour, a kind of grapefruity translucent mix that tastes like sweaty cordial.

As a discerning sports drinker, this came as something of a shock. I'm used to giddy neon bottles with drink names like (pick any two of the following) bolt! crush! berry! guzzle! lightning! quench! blue! electric! smash! so imagine my surprise when I went to pick up a bottle of BERRYBOLTSMASHQUENCHER! and all I could find was a bottle of pocari sweat. Yes, that's right, they have a sports drink called sweat. Awesome-o power!

As far as I can tell it's a perception thing: Consumers won't trust anything that doesn't look or smell serious to rehydrate them after vigorous exercise. That, or maybe there's just a big tap hooked up to the sweaty armpit of a cordial drinking gorilla in Tokyo, at which all the sports drinks companies fill up their bottles.

Pictures of Shoes

2008-05-11T19:44:00.002+09:00

湯の山温泉

2008-05-03T11:35:00.007+09:00

Well it's Golden Week again which means it's probably time to blow the cobwebs off the blog and upload some photos of me standing with a stupid face next to a statue of some description.

Why is a stick insect playing a guitar whilst standing on a sundial?

Sally and I decided that we should go and visit Yunoyama onsen, I mountain/hot spring resort that's about an hour or so out of Nagoya. This afforded me the opportunity to indulge in my two favourite holiday activities: taking photos of running water and getting my nude on in public.

One of Yunoyama's main attractions is a rather long cable car (or 'ropeway' as the Japanese prefer) trip to the top of the mountain. Apparently this is the longest ropeway in Asia; thankfully for the sake of my frazzled nerves, it was not particularly rickety or terrifying.

At the top of the mountain we wandered about, vainly trying to satiate Liz's goat addiction (sadly no goats were forthcoming) before deciding that the afternoon would be best spent jumping up and down on some precariously placed rocks.

After such vigorous physical exertion, it was now well and truly time to get my nude on.

A reminder

2008-04-03T00:04:00.005+09:00

This evening I had to say goodbye to an awesome friend (we'll miss you youuuu baasssstarrrrd) and then listen to a total douchebag wax lyrical to his captive Japanese audience about how he had friends in the SAS who would like totally kill this one guy. Needless to say I was not feeling good about the human race at this point. Then, with impeccable timing, a nameless man on the subway came along and saved the day. I salute you, random Japanese man. You rock harder than a diamond saw.

Oh Japan! You know just what to say to make me feel better.

Sakura

2008-04-01T12:56:00.003+09:00

The cherry blossom season is upon us once more, giving usually uptight and polite salarymen, office ladies and university students the chance to drink themselves unconscious in the most beautiful of settings. Expect a whole slew of cherry blossow related photos in the next couple of days.

My last visit to this great kindergarten

2008-03-12T22:16:00.010+09:00

Last Tuesday was my last visit to a kindergarten that I visited for ECC Junior. I only went there for about 2 months, once a week, but the kids and teachers were so lovely that it was quite sad to finish.

Here are the 3-year-old classes I teach as one group.

Here are the 4-year-old class and the 5-year-old class.

Each of the three classes gave me a present - some drawings they had done (mostly of themselves with me) made into a poster or a booklet.

Anyone for T(P)ennis?

2008-03-11T21:52:00.003+09:00

Hello everyone,

apologies for the lack of posts, we've been a bit busy as of late, not to mention sick. After high fiving one too many little germ factories (or children if you prefer) I was struck down with a particularly persistent snotty nose, which meant that breathing was no longer a boring automatic chore, but now an exciting game of life or death. Throw in a squiz of food poisoning, courtesy of our ever faithful red haired yellow tracksuited corporate food mascot, and you have the makings of a fun month or so.

It has now been over a year since Sally and I first came to Japan, and for those who haven't heard, we plan to stay for another, in an attempt to commit the wiggly serpent that is the Japanese language to memory. So if you were planning some kind of super awesome happy surprise party for me, then it will have to wait for a year or so.

In teaching related news, March brings with it the end of the Japanese school year, and so soon I'll be saying goodbye to some of my students for the last time (Although I'll still be teaching most of my favourite students next year, hurrah!) . As such, some of the kids have decided that discipline no longer applies to them, and even a MILLION POINT! super happy fun bonus shot won't persuade them to put down the cushion and stop trying to stab each other in the groin. I am now dangerously low on peppy morale boosters, but thankfully the level of sarcastic rejoinders in a language they don't understand is at an all time high.

I will, however, be tempted to shed a tear for one class that I won't be teaching next year, a near perfect mix of super genki/dorky boys and impeccably behaved girls, whose worst offence in the past year was to hug cookie monster well past the alloted time. They're a studious bunch as well: Why, one little chap, not happy with the standard chin chin! (dick!) insult, took it upon himself to learn the english word (rhymes with venus). Our penultimately lesson ended thusly: Satisfied parents talking about how happy they were with the class, only for the mischievous little scamp to blurt out THERE ARE ONE MILLION PENIS! as loud as possible (I had foolishly taught them the number one million). Thankfully his pronunciation needs a bit of work, and so he what he actually said rhymed with tennis. Crisis averted.

A visit to the gynecologist

2008-03-10T21:11:00.003+09:00

Today I went to a Japanese doctor for the first time. I'm not really one for seeing the doctor every time I have a cold. I guess in Australia the doctor usually just told me to take some aspirin and rest. But in Japan the doctors seem to love their medicines - including cold medicines delivered by drip. Anyway, I've managed to stick to the Australian way and just wait my colds out so far.,

But I had another need for the doctor and that was to get more contraceptive pill. I asked a friend if she knew any English speaking doctors, but the best she could recommend to me had "average" English ability, so I thought I'd get some advice from the Nagoya International Centre. The woman there wanted to know what kind of doctor I needed to see. I said a GP (general practitioner), so she looked in her folder of information and asked "internal medicine?". At this point I realised that the systems in Japan and Australia might be quite different, so I told her that I needed to get the contraceptive pill (she didn't know this word, so I explained by saying I needed something to stop me having babies). She assured me that I needed to see a gynecologist, not a GP. So she gave me the details of a woman gyno, who worked in the same building as the International Centre and who spoke English.

So, yesterday I called the receptionist and said in my best Japanese that I couldn't speak Japanese and could I please speak to Dr. Ito. But I gathered that she was busy (or something) and I should call back. So I called back but then I was told lots of things that I didn't understand at all (one guess was that Dr. Ito doesn't even work there anymore). But after a while I managed to work out that I could go in and see a doctor today between 2 and 4pm today.

So I went to the medical centre, where there was a sign: to the right it said 'Medical Check' and to the left it said 'Innoculation'. So I went to the right. Wrong! I entered a huge reception area with about 20 receptionists/nurses (but no patients). I talked to one nurse, but I didn't really know what to say other than the doctor's name. In the end, she asked what I needed the doctor for and I found the word for' contraceptives' in my phrase book. She then directed me to the 'Innoculation' side, where I changed into slippers and went to a smaller reception desk. By this point, the reason for my visit was known, so I didn't really have to do any more talking, other than filling in my name etc. on a form. I'm not sure if I was at a gynecologist or not, because there were a few men patients there. I think there were 2 doctors' rooms. I spent about 30 seconds in total in the doctors presence. She could indeed speak English (not super well, but well enough), but basically she didn't want to speak to me anyway. I showed her my current medication, she asked if everything was fine with it, told me she would give me 12 months of the same kind of medication, and that was it. I was then taken into another room to have my blood pressure checked by a nurse. And my blood pressure was normal.

So it was almost over, but when I was called to the reception desk to pay and get my medication I was up for a surprise. The cost of the medication was higher than I expected, and getting 12 months at once meant I was to pay more than A$200. I didn't have that much cash on me, and of course they didn't accept credit cards. So I paid for 3 months worth and organised to come back to get the rest. (I felt so pov.!) Even organising to come back for the medication was difficult, because the nurses/receptionists didn't speak any English. I felt like maybe it would have been good of the doctor to explain it to me, since she could speak English, but of course she was probably powering on through her next consultation.

So I was still feeling kind of bewildered and confused. I didn't even know if I had seen this so-called Dr. Ito until I asked at the reception desk as I was leaving. And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if I ever want to make an appointment again. Oh well, at least I wont have babies for another 3 months.

Unfortunately named things

2008-02-25T18:07:00.003+09:00

Dork Nation

2008-02-17T18:07:00.002+09:00

Sometimes a student will say something so gloriously dorky that it must be shared with the entire world. Bear in mind that we're talking about a nation of cartoon enthusiasts in which 10% of the population owns a Nintendo DS, so you have to do something pretty nerdy to stand out.

Me: Were you in any clubs in high school?
Student: Yes, I was in the abacus club.
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Student: I was in the abacus club.
Me (giggling): Really? What did you do in the abacus club?
Student: Calculations.

NERD. ALERT.

Try a somersault!

2008-02-11T21:12:00.000+09:00

Today was yet another day chock full of kids interviews; 100+ young'uns trying to keep it together long enough to point at the duck, the rabbit and the cow before getting out of there, stickers in hand.

Some of the more organized and dedicated teachers take it upon themselves to give their young charges a 'Western' nickname. Nothing wrong with that, except it's a little strange to see young Takumi come through the door and promptly announce "My name is Jason". Not to mention the fact most young kids have enough trouble remembering their own name.

One of today's teachers was particularly good. All her kids were super organized and most of them got about 100% on the test. They also had the greatest nicknames this side of the WWE. My personal favourite was 'Giant' (spoken by a kid all of 2 feet tall) closely followed by 'Justice', 'Hercules', 'Cinnamon'. When one young fellow told me that his name was 'FOX!' it was all I could do to stop myself from yelling 'DO A BARREL ROLL!' (and if you don't get that reference, you're clearly not enough of a dork).

On a completely unrelated note, the room in which I was conducting the interviews also had this written under one of the light switches:

I didn't dare press it, lest the ceiling open and release hordes of bikini clad women clutching fruity rum drunks and ukuleles.

Snow is awesome

2008-02-10T20:37:00.000+09:00

It snowed an awful lot yesterday. Not particularly exciting for any Japanese person over the age of ten, or for any teachers from the northern hemisphere. But completely AWESOME-O for me and Sally.

おばま！

2008-02-07T22:59:00.001+09:00

Finally, a chance to talk about politics!

It seems like every Japanese person I talk to these days is keen to talk about politics, or more specifically, the US presidential primaries. I think that's due in no small part to the star power and charisma of Clinton and Obama. More than one student seems to be under the impression that the winner of the Democratic party primary automatically becomes the president, with McCain becoming the minister of fisheries or some such other position.

Now, the Japanese (or at least, a plethora of Japanese TV shows) are not shy about sending up the (supposed) racial characteristics of non-Japanese people. Apparently all White people have gigantic triangular noses, and all Indians wear turbans and constantly eat curry. It's not malicious, but it's the kind of thing that raises an eyebrow (and placed in this context, it raises the hackles as well).

One comedian decided to take advantage of Obamania (portmanteau! YES!) by going to a small out of the way train station that is coincidentally called Obama... and by dressing up in blackface. Then a Hillary lookalike shows up, wearing a blond wig, a HUUUGE schnoz and... taped on blue eyes. Apparently the budget didn't stretch to blue contact lenses.

You think I'm making this all up don't you? Behold...

So, is this a) racist b) stupid c) not malicious but incredibly naive d) all of the above e) harmless fun?

Setsubun

2008-02-04T15:47:00.000+09:00

Yesterday was Setsubun, the first day of spring (Feb 3rd for some reason) which means people get to start the new year by throwing soybeans around.
I was lucky enough to have a student who gave me a "Setsubun pack", which included soybeans and two demon masks. The idea is that when you throw beans outside (or sometimes at a person dressed as a demon) you are telling bad luck to get lost, then when you throw beans inside you are bringing good luck in. Then you're supposed to eat one bean for each year of your life.
I tried to do the right thing, but only got as far as throwing the beans from the inside of the house to the outside, because I couldn't bear to go outside in the cold to throw the beans from the outside in. Then I started eating some beans, but I completely lost track of how many, so I don't know when I can stop. I'm erring on the side of eating too many rather than too few. They don't really taste good, but they don't taste bad either.
Unfortunately, the weather gods still think it's winter. The weather forecast says we may have some "scattered flurries" tomorrow morning.

In other news, I got my visa extended today! So I can live in Japan legally for at least another year.

Sick People

2008-01-29T20:50:00.000+09:00

We are now smack bang in the middle of the sickly season, with colds and viruses flying left right and centre. This means the return of the infamous face mask, something which was actually pretty shocking to see ten months ago but is now yet another piece of assimilated craziness in my 日本addled brain. Sally has even taken to wearing the facemask on occasion, a step which I'm not yet willing to take.

Given that your average five year old is pretty much a germ factory with a haircut and shoes, it's a sure bet that every teacher is gonna get sick at one point or another. My colds have started to blend into each other, such that it's not a matter of whether or not I'm sick, but rather how sick I am on any given day.

The misery of wintertime illness is compounded by the strange, almost thanotic* Japanese dislike of blowing your nose in public. I had a student today who almost drowned in his own snot. He had to tilt his head back whilst he was talking, and by the end of the lesson he was just holding his face to stop the snot gushing out. Another five minutes and his lungs would have filled, drowning him in his own mucus. I've never seen a man so grateful to be given a tissue in all my life.

*If erotic is a word, then I can't see why thanotic can't be as well.

Things I learnt today

2008-01-27T19:00:00.000+09:00

The legendary TV show Takeshi's Castle was actually named after Takeshi Kitano, also known as Beat Takeshi. He's most well known outside of Japan for his various nihilistic ultraviolent movies (Violent Cop, Battle Royale). However, within Japan he's best known as the host of one of Japan's many 'variety' shows (variety being the keyword, as they all appear to lack any sense of coherency). So there you go. Coming up next week: Whatever happened to the guy who played Pigsy in Monkey Magic?

ちょっと寒い！

2008-01-24T22:10:00.000+09:00

Today was so cold that nobody would stand on the train platform. Instead they waited up the stairs inside the station, until the sound of the train approaching triggered a commuter stampede. Today was so cold that I walked around dressed like this, and didn't feel like a total idiot.

Current temperature: 1c. Feels like: -4c.
Tomorrow's forecast - A high of 4c, (feels like 0c). OH GOOD.

Weapons Grade Tantrum

2008-01-24T00:09:00.000+09:00

You may or may not remember a post I wrote a while back about one of my kids who had a bit of a tempter tantrum. Well, today he managed to eclipse all his previous records and chuck perhaps the biggest wobbly of all time. I'm talking muscle spasms, screaming till he was blue in the face, lashing out at anyone stupid enough to come near him....

Allow me to set the scene. The student in question was a little late to the class, and unlike previous classes in which he was all too keen to show off his English prowess, he hid near the entrance to the classroom and wouldn't show me his homework. Only the promise of a sticker and a special question ("What's your favourite baseball team?" which he theoretically shouldn't be able to answer for another three years) prompted him to shuffle on over. During the lesson he kept making remarks about how hungry he was, and how he was keen to eat some donuts in particular. I think he'd managed to convince himself that his mum was going to take him to Mr. Donut (conveniently located below the ECC building), and so he became more and more agitated as the lesson, which was far too easy for him, gradually drew to a close.

And then the bombshell that turned his little world inside out. Only the promise of delicious donuts had kept him from going a bit mental all afternoon, and now they'd been cruelly taken away from him. His mum, who's a great sport and pretty funny, was completely unflappable throughout the entire affair, even as his screams threatened to deafen anyone within a 10km radius.

It started with disbelief and a continued reiteration of his desire for donuts (donutsu tabetai! tabetai!) and soon progressed to foot stamping, running in circles, and sure enough, blood curdling screams. At one point I think he was actually suspended in midair, such was the force of his rage. It was at this point that I briefly considered rushing to Mr. Donuts, buying something and then eating it in front of him, but only a genuine belief that having your heart ripped out by a five year old child is not the finest way to shuffle off this mortal coil stopped me. I had to make do with a smile and an overly enthusiastic goodbye! One of the staff members tried to calm him down, which resulted in her almost losing an eye.

I'm never having kids.

More Food

2008-01-22T23:31:00.000+09:00

Another day, another student who can eat ikizukuri, horse sashimi, and yet cannot manage to stomach....mayonnaise .

Also, I have to admit that I've caught myself thinking about what whale tastes like. I see all the stories on the news and I can't stop myself from thinking about what it tastes like. Don't worry, I'm not about to run and out and grab a humpburger from KFW. Perhaps it's officially a sign that nothing about Japan is shocking/weird anymore.

Que?

2008-01-20T12:31:00.000+09:00

A Conversation with a student about food...

Me: Do you like Sashimi?
Student: Yes of course.
Me: Have you ever tried ikizukuri? (live sashimi)
Student: Yet, it was delicious.
Me: So what's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten?
Student: Ummm..... Lamb.
Me: ?!?

Blog related mishap

2008-01-18T10:23:00.000+09:00

My apologies for the relative dearth of posts in recent days. Sally and I are both suffering from a post holiday slump, in which our usually irrepressible genkiness is replaced with an unquenchable hatred of flashcards, coloured floors and ungrateful children who don't realize that THEY'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO TAKE ONE STICKER AND THOSE THINGS COST ME MONEY.

Anyhow, in the fog of post holiday drudgery I managed to arrange the classroom monkey in the following pose without even realizing it. Thankfully I noticed it before my kids did and started yelling at the top of their squeaky little voices.

In other kid related news, apparently growing a beard is the single funniest thing in the universe, and will lead to hordes of hysterical children screaming and possibly fainting because they accidentally touched your beard. Thankfully it's now an incentive I can use in class: repeat after me or you have to touch the beard! The scariness of my beard is only compounded by the fact that Sally found a few stray GINGER whiskers this morning. Thanks a lot, celtic heritage.

Tokyo redux

2008-01-15T20:52:00.000+09:00

I was planning to write a lot more about Tokyo but I can't be bothered anymore. That's my splendid teaching work ethic for you. So you can all read what Mr. Stiff had to say instead.

Pedant Nation Army

2008-01-11T22:02:00.000+09:00

This one is strictly for grammar nerds -

Today I was required to teach the following structure: Which do you like better? and Which do you like the best? To which the responses I like (x) better and I like (x) the best were the corresponding answers.

I'm of the opinion that these structures should actually be Which do you like more? and Which do you like the most? along with I like (x) more and I like (x) the most.

Am I correct?

Tokyo part 2

2008-01-08T20:33:00.000+09:00

Chris, Kari and I discovered that we were all keen to visit the Tokyo Park Hyatt, site of the famous NY bar, aka the place where Bill Murray gets his mope on in Lost in Translation. We were somewhat intimated by our rather opulent surroundings, and a little worried because Kari had previously been refused entry (she says it was because she was wearing flip flops, I suspect otherwise). Thus, Kari dressed up for the occasion, whilst Chris and I both took it upon ourselves to shower.

The NY bar is on the top floor of the Park Hyatt, in a location so secretive that it requires not one but two elevators to get there. As a result there was a lot of pointless, fretful wandering about trying to find the elevator whilst simultaneously trying to avoid the Hilton staff, as we were a tad worried that they'd tell us to naff off. We made it up there in the end, to find the place heaving with elegantly dressed Japanese and the odd bored looking westerner doing their best Bill Murray impersonation. I think the guy across from us was some kind of professional poker player.

Giving the elegance of our surroundings, we felt it might be a touch gauche to whip out a camera and start taking some happy snaps. Thankfully Chris has no style and decorum (just kidding Big Tim!) and so he managed to get a few shots in. If you look carefully you'll see we're sitting two seats down from where Bill Murray was seated in Lost in Translation. Have I mentioned Bill Murray yet? Bill Murray, Bill Murray, Bill Murray. That ought to do it.

The cocktail I had was delicious, although at 1700 yen a pop you'd certainly hope it would be. After rubbing myself against the bar and the seat in the hope of soaking up any residual Scarlett Johansson and/or Bill Murray DNA, we headed home for a well earned rest.

Thom went down to Tokyo, part 1

2008-01-06T22:34:00.000+09:00

With the holidays all but finished, all that remains is for me to regale you with tales of my trip to Tokyo, home of Godzilla, Budokan, and the world's largest scramble crossing.

You might think that a trip to Tokyo would be easy for a seasoned Japanophile like myself, especially given my amazing Japanese language skills. However, there's not really too much call for a man who can say Thankyou Mario! But the princess is in another castle! in Japanese. Also, I was 'accompanied by' (in charge of would be a more accurate description) two companions of questionable intellect. Look at the these pictures and make up your own mind.

QED.

As English teachers are both notorious lushes and skinflints, we all decided to skip the Shinkanzen and take the night bus instead, which meant a six o'clock arrival at Shinjuku station the next morning. This meant we had to wander around Shinjuku for an hour, waiting for Starbucks to open as the blearly eyed hosts and gyaru girls staggered home slightly the worse for wear. This was to be the first stop in our slightly quixotic attempt to visit every single Starbucks in Tokyo.

Our next challenge was finding the way to our hostel via the somewhat complicated Tokyo transit system. Shinkjuku station was our first port of call, which is probably not the best place ever to try and figure out where you're going, given that it's the busiest station in the world, and all the external maps are only written in Kanji.

A map of the Tokyo subway system, and the infamous Asahi 'Golden Flame/Turd'.

With our bags safely deposited at the hostel, we decided to go for a bit of wander and check out Shibuya and Harajuku, two of Tokyo's busier precincts. Unfortunately, we managed to get spectacularly lost twice in succession, although on the plus side, we did manage to find another Starbucks. In the end we managed to visit Shibuya, Harajuku and Meiji Shrine before deciding that a nap was in order.

The famous Hachiko statue, and the equally famous Shibuya scramble crossing (note the Starbucks in the background).

Chris, a wall of Sake, and a good towel.

As the hostel was a trifle busy over the New Year period, we were only able to get a private room for one of our three nights, a fact that I would come to rue later on. Our private room had a nice view out over possibly the world's worst theme park, which we affectionately labeled 'Turdtown' or some such other charming sobriquet. It was at this point that I fell well and truly in love with the black and white setting on my camera, an affliction from which I have not recovered.

Art.

Senso-ji, the oldest Buddhist temple in Tokyo, and the world's only remaining Sizzler! (as far as I can tell).

After a wonderfully refreshing nap, we set off in search of the Park Hyatt hotel, probably best known for the bar in which Bill Murray drinks in Lost in Translation. But that's a story I'll save for part 2.

Kyoto Again

2007-12-29T10:43:00.000+09:00

Six million photos later, I'm back from my second trip to Kyoto. Here are some of the better ones.

The first thing we did was take a two hour boat ride on the outskirts of Kyoto, in weather that might politely be called ちょっと寒い (a little bit cold).

Next up was a trip to Ginkakuji (The Silver Temple) followed by a pleasant stroll past various temples and shrines.

Somewhere along the way I got a little bit excited about the black and white setting on my camera.

The above were taken at Fushimi Inari Shrine, which is famous for its thousands of orange torii (gates). Despite getting a little lost, we managed to make it all the way to the top. The long photo is a composite shot of the Kyoto skyline.

On our last day we visited Nara, famous for the giant Buddha statue and the deer who wander aimlessly about. Unfortunately it was a rather cold, damp and miserable day, so all the deer looked a little bit grumpy.

Next stop, Tokyo!

Christmas in Nagoya

2007-12-25T20:13:00.000+09:00

Janken-ing for the Square Snowman

2007-12-21T22:12:00.000+09:00

Today, due to the poor organisation of one of the schools I work at I was faced with the following situation.

A lesson plan that included nothing of substance but making a foam ball snowman.
Enough foam balls to make three snowmen.
Four students.

My answer: One kid and I had to make 'The Square Snowman'. Behold!

He doesn't even have a rim to his top hat. Sad. But the kids didn't like it, no, no. So there was janken-ing (rock, paper, scissor-ing) to the max. The poor kid who got the square blocks instead of balls just decided that it wasn't a snowman and proceeded to make some alien-type thing. Good on him, really.

Kaze o? At sue my tea?

2007-12-20T21:24:00.000+09:00

Party time!

You may remember this young'un from the last party we went too. It took him a minute or so to recognize me, what with my fancy new gyaru-oh hair. Once Chris explained to him that it was me, just with longer hair, he turned and asked imej-chanji? Which is 'Image change?' run through the Katakana meat grinder. Apparently that's what the cool kids say every time you get a different hairstyle in Japan. Anyhow, once again there was a lot of imaginary fighting/baseball/soccer, and not only did I find out that my Japanese skills are on par with a five year old, but so is my taste in leisure activities (we both wanted the same thing for Christmas: more Wii games).

After the party had finished we were unable to withstand the incalculable gravitational pull of the Karaoke place opposite Sunshine Sakae, despite our attempts to head to various other places. Whilst there we managed to sing our very first completely Japanese karaoke song ('風を集めて from the Lost in Translation soundtrack) and by sung I mean we warbled the verse, (making a hamfisted attempt to follow along with the furigana) and then belted out the chorus with unmatched gusto.

Words I won't be teaching

2007-12-20T21:19:00.000+09:00

"w00t" is word of the year.

Merriam-Webster president John Morse said "w00t" reflected the growing use of numeric keyboards to type words.

"People look for self-evident numeral-letter substitutions: 0 for O; 3 for E; 7 for T; and 4 for A," he said.

"This is simply a different and more efficient way of representing the alphabetical character."

Merriam-Webster president John Morse needs to pull his head out of his arse, post haste. How in blue blazes is using numbers 'more efficient'? And this from the president of a dictionary company. The devolution of the English language continues apace. I can't wait to get up in front of my free time students and tell them that the 'word of the year' is spelt with two zeros. It's not as if the English language isn't idiosyncratic enough.

Some Pig

2007-12-14T23:52:00.000+09:00

This is one cool toy. Apparently they'll cost about 300 yen, so I'll snap up a few as soon as I get a chance.

The search for Opapi, part 2

2007-12-13T21:32:00.000+09:00

After a solid day of investigating, I'm no closer to understanding just what 'Opapi' means. I asked one of my coworkers, who speaks excellent English, and the best she could come up with was 'it has no meaning whatsoever'. Then, one of my students, whose English is not the best but whose enthusiasm cannot be faulted, came up with this pearler:

It's a gay speak!

I think it all comes down to the fact that Japanese pop culture is like the I didn't do it episode of the Simpsons, multiplied by a million. The Opapi guy better milk his moment for all it's worth, because soon he'll be just another Hard Gay or Dandy Sakano.

Opapi

2007-12-12T11:03:00.000+09:00

Recently a lot of my kids have been doing the 'opapi' catchphrase dance. I have no idea what it means, but apparently it's short for 'ocean pacific peace'. Quite what that has to do with a man wearing a speedo pretending to start an imaginary lawnmower is beyond me.

And here's a giant killer whale mascot doing the same thing for good measure.

And just to finish off, here's a Spanish guy doing the same thing.

Oh Japan! The only country where being certifiably insane is a prerequisite for getting on TV.

Autumn's Last Hurrah

2007-12-11T20:17:00.000+09:00

It's getting colder by the minute. Two weeks to Christmas and at this rate we might just get the odd snowflake or two on Christmas day. Hurrah!

All these photos were taken in a tiny park that's adjacent to Higashi Betsuin temple. Very picturesque and pretty placid for a place that's two minutes drive from the heart of the city.

Jolly Old Saint Nicaragua

2007-12-06T20:32:00.000+09:00

Today was the day when I said goodbye to dignity and donned the big red suit for the first time. This was the first (and only) native teacher visit of the year for this kindergarten, so naturally the kids were a bit excited. One particularly sparky fellow, upon seeing me for the first time, pointed and yelled rather loudly 本当外人！Honto Gaijin! In other words, a REAL FOREIGNER!

Most of the kids were pretty well behaved, although their geographical wherewithal was a little off. I asked the kids to guess where I was from, which drew a couple of amusing responses. First up was 韓国人！Korean! quickly followed by 中国人！Chinese! Then it started getting even sillier. Taiwan-Jin! Russia-Jin! And last of all (and I swear I'm not making this up) .... NICARAGUA! I felt like I was letting them down by admitting I was just from boring old Australia.

Satan said paint

2007-12-04T21:05:00.000+09:00

There's a particularly sadistic misanthrope working in the ECC headquarters in Osaka; what else can explain a lesson plan that calls for not only drawing, but gluing AND painting as well? This satanic trinity of children's activities was further complicated by the nature of the paint: dry, powdery watercolour stuff that required already overtired and overstimulated children to carefully add water - drop by drop - without spilling any. Thankfully the carnage wasn't too bad, although it did mean an extended period of cleaning up and a vain attempt at getting my fingers clean (they're still a rather vivid shade of blue around the tips).

My second class of the day has begun to progress beyond simple listen and repeat vocab learning. They're now neck deep in pronouns and gerunds and whatnot, which means they're finding new ways to keep themselves entertained. One rather sparky kid has decided that he will now add 'the baby' to the end of every sentence. Hence the following exchange:

Me: Ok, repeat after me. He's cooking.
Student: He's cooking.....THE BABY!
Me: He's eating.
Student: He's eating....THE BABY!

Kuma Coffee

2007-12-04T00:22:00.000+09:00

Last Subway

2007-12-03T00:53:00.000+09:00

After a night of debauchery and video games at misfits, Sally and I made a mad dash for the last subway, only to find that because of some accident or suchlike, the subway wasn't going anywhere. Not a problem for me, but Sally desperately needed to use the facilities. What follows is a pictorial interpretation of her anguish.

We made it to the station about 15 seconds before her bladder was due to explode.

With Apologies to Wilco

2007-11-29T21:47:00.000+09:00

I would like to salute
the ashes of American flags
and all the fallen leaves
filling up shopping bags

Although the Japanese public loves the pretty Autumn leaves, the Japanese civil service aren't so keen. Every year the roadside trees are trimmed back ("butchered" might be a better description) leaving a lot of wispy tree skeletons lining the roads. I don't mind how that looks now, but when I first arrived in Japan I thought it was rather ghastly. I'll put some more photos up tomorrow so you can firsthand what I'm on about.

Late Autumn

2007-11-25T18:12:00.000+09:00

It's getting pretty cold here, so cold that Sally and I decided to invest in a heater, which involved a trip to the local home hardware store. We decided to take a few pictures of our local temple on the way.

And what would a trip to the store be without the obligatory 'wacky' photo?

If you don't wink at the correct time, they take back your camera and break your legs.

Voiceless

2007-11-24T16:09:00.000+09:00

Thanks to the wonderful cold weather, a rather nasty virus and a week of particularly exuberant kids classes, my voice is now shot to pieces. Imagine Mozart playing piano with anvils instead of fingers and you'll get the idea. There are now only two ways I can talk: Pretend to be Barry White or put on a ridiculous Russian accent. As a result I had to take the day off work today, as there's not much call for a human tape recorder that can't make any sound, and not too many students want to learn how to speak English with a dodgy Russian accent.

As promised

2007-11-23T18:41:00.000+09:00

World Toenail shooting record

2007-11-22T21:39:00.001+09:00

If you were anything like me when you were a little kid you probably loved making up your own games; bizarre variations of cricket or gymnastics or whatever with endless permutations and arcane rules (think Calvinball). The Morgan family history is ripe with this sort of thing: corridor soccer, backyard cricket, MOSS (don't ask), corridor cricket, and this one is for Tom Wilsdon if you're reading - The Green ball game.

If you were as weird me, you probably imagined these games being played on a global scale, with the world championships of "not touching the floor' being broadcast on an endless loop on ESPN, the winner showered with glory and breakfast cereal endorsements. Well, leave it to the Japanese to actually make this a reality.

Now, I have some video clips of these events, which are forthcoming - Youtube is not being nice at the moment - so you'll have to settle for the descriptions for now. All these games took place on a TV show I saw the other night, at about 10 or so (not too late by Japanese standards).

1. Don't touch the floor #1 - Get from one end of the room to the other only using the edge of the couch.

2. Microwave Olympics - Set the timer for 30 seconds, then cover it, and try to open the door when the timer reaches one second.

3. Don't touch the floor #2 - Make your way down the corridor and into the bathroom without touching the floor. Bonus points for not opening the closet door.

4. Precision chair driving - Push your office wheelie chair and land it exactly in the 'clear' zone. No points if you go too far and hit the back wall.

5. (and I swear I'm not making this up) Toenail Shotput - Using a pair of springy toenail clippers, see how far you can shoot your toenail clippings. Bear in mind this was shown on TV, in primetime, with accompanying soundtrack and suitably whizzbang graphic effects. The record was 108 cms.

Get your vote on

2007-11-19T14:38:00.001+09:00

One of the small joys of expatriate living is the pre-poll vote: No party spruikers, no legions of gormless volunteers thrusting how to vote cards in my face, no contrived attacked ads with the infamous authorisedfortheliberal/laborpartybysomeguyIdon'tcareaboutinCanberra. Now don't get me wrong, I like politics and I can get a bit misty eyed about our various civic duties and whatnot, it's just I can't stand the way that the insane minutiae of every word and gesture is magnified to a ridiculous level. OMG Kevin Rudd eats his own ear wax! Someone made a fake John Howard facebook page lolz roxr 2 tha maxxx!

Today was blissfully free of all that malarkey; just a brief bike tide to the consulate, and then a joyful five minutes filling out the senate form (below the line of course, I'm a stickler for below the line, and you should be too). The only tricky thing about the senate form is choosing who you're going to put stone cold motherless last. Will it be the slightly nutty LaRouchians of the Citizens Electoral Council? The shameless publicity seeking Nick Xenephon? The bile inducing homespun folky wisdom 'what women want' party? The who the hell knows what they stand for 'fishing and lifestyle' party? Or perhaps the mysterious 'A Brooke'?

Competition time

2007-11-16T12:04:00.001+09:00

Try and guess what this thing does. Answers in the comments section; a shiny button for the winner.

Za Shinzu

2007-11-15T11:36:00.000+09:00

We took a day off work yesterday to go to a concert, which wouldn't have been necessary but for the ridiculous Japanese gig system, in which just about every concert starts at seven (doors open at six). The venue itself was quite nice and rather cozy, in fact, twenty minutes before the band came on there were only 46 people in the room. However, the Japanese love of punctuality asserted itself and the venue was duly filled at exactly 6:59. Contra to what the dude in Japanzine said, the Shins were, as per usual, completely awesome, even in spite of the noisy woman who kept yelling out for obscure b-sides, which just goes to show that annoying hipsters are universal.

I would have taken some photos but the rather large bouncer seemed keen on confiscating any visible cameras, so I had to keep it hidden until after the gig, where we stood around in vain waiting for the Shins to emerge. Sadly they slipped out a back entrance, so I was unable to take any photos. We were feeling a mite peckish by this stage, so luckily we were with the doyen of Nagoya dining, Chris (not big lanky Chris). Much to everyone's surprise, I managed to down some of the chicken sashimi, which I can safely say is about 80% less gag enducing than its fishy counterpart.

Karaoke

2007-11-12T18:07:00.000+09:00

To celebrate Jacqui's dad coming to visit we headed out to Yamachan for a few celebratory drinks followed by karaoke, using the tried and trusted method of what I like to call 'gaijin no nomihoudai' (foreigner's all you can drink) which basically involves going to the local convenience store, stocking up on alcohol and then casually sauntering past the karaoke staff. We used to take more care and at least make an effort to hide the alcohol, but now we have a sort of unspoken arrangement with the staff - or they just can't be bothered making us stop - such that we're practically openly flaunting the laws. Lest you think this is a rather one sided arrangement, the staff are excused from dealing with our garbled attempts at ordering drinks in Japanese, so everybody wins!

Now, it's been a while since my last karaoke visit (well over a month) so I more than made up for that by singing like my life depended on it. Apologies to Jacqui's dad who looked slightly bemused by my tremendous enthusiasm (and deafening volume). The night ended in typical fashion, with me saying ohayo gozaimus to every Japanese person within earshot, plus my customary yell of THHUUUUNNNDDDERCCCAAAATTTTTSS to the magnificently coifed gyaru-0h boys who hang around in Sunshine Sakae.

One of these pictures contains a group of cartoonish individuals with ridiculously outlandish hair and garish clothing. The other is a picture of the thundercats. Boom crash!

Kyoto, Part 3

2007-11-09T23:28:00.000+09:00

After a night of beer fueled shenanigans, Sunday morning was spent gingerly packing up and discussing the events of the previous night (Befuddled Canadian ->Pants -> Arse -> TV), before we set off for Arashiama, which was equal parts busy and beautiful.

Kyoto, part 2

2007-11-08T10:20:00.000+09:00

We made a brief pitstop at the manga museum, only to discover that some kind of cosplay convention was being held. Bonanza! Chris got there before me, so he took many a good photo, but it can't compare with what you're about to see next.

Itsa me! Mario!

Our next port of call was the fabled kinkaku-ji temple, a gold plated pavilion that was swarming with Russian tourists (and don't get me started about Russian tourists).

We then made our way to a lovely little Kyoto youth hostel, which had the highest concentration of tacky sexist posters and ganja leaves this side of the royal Adelaide show (pictures withheld in the interest of public decency). Several drinks later and a somewhat inebriated Canadian teacher was yelling at us in French and partially disrobing. Good times!

Kyoto, part 1

2007-11-05T19:52:00.001+09:00

After a rather early Saturday morning wakeup call we set off for Kyoto at the ridiculous hour of 8am. However, thanks to the horrendous popularity of culture day and the unstoppable allure of seeing the pretty Autumn leaves, traffic was a little busy. We ended up arriving in Kyoto at 11, to be met with a human wave of daytrippers and tourists. Our first destination was the old imperial palace, which a friend of ours described as 'a bit boring'.

Now, it may seem a bit blasphemous to describe an 'imperial palace' as a bit boring, but when you're in a city that boasts a gold temple amongst other attractions, a run of the mill palace just isn't going to cut it. The gardens were very beautiful though, giving me yet another chance to act all arty and try out my new camera.

(Not really) Alone in Kyoto

2007-11-03T06:57:00.000+09:00

Happy Culture day to you! For some reason, culture day is one of the few public holidays that retains a fixed date (November 3rd) rather than being moved to the nearest Monday, like most of Japan's public holidays. That means a three day weekend for us! Hurrah! So we're off to Kyoto (along with lots of other teachers and probably half of Japan) to see the pretty temples and leaves.

Expect lots of photos on Monday.

Halloween Roundup

2007-11-02T08:38:00.000+09:00

My time as Jack Skellington came to close on Wednesday night. To be honest it was a bit of a relief, and I think most teachers were happy enough putting their Pirate/Princess/Doraemon jumpsuits in the back of the wardrobe. Roll on thanksgiving and Christmas!

Bird's Nest Tempura

2007-10-30T21:24:00.000+09:00

A student of mine was kind enough to take Sally and I out for dinner on Monday night, to one of Nagoya's more interesting restaurants. It's a rather intimate tempura restaurant that specializes in decorative dishes, which are almost too beautiful to eat. Furthermore, the best thing about tempura is that it makes everything more palatable, especially 'trickier' food, which is a godsend to a food wimp like myself.

On the left we have some kind of fish swimming through some Japanese noodles. The trick is to eat the head first so it's over and done with (it was quite tasty too). The fellow on the right is some bird's nest tempura, made of noodles, shrimp, eel (I think) and chestnut. This was very tasty indeed, and just might qualify as 'the most adventurous thing I've ever eaten' (there' s not much competition mind you).

On the left we have some ginkgo nuts in decorative noodles, and on the right we have the chef's own fabulous concoction. If you look closely you might see something glinting, and yes, that is indeed gold leaf. There's nothing quite so opulent as eating a precious metal.

I asked my student if the Japanese have any other way of describing food other than the omnipresent Oishii! (delicious!) or Umai! (nicely done! Great!). To my great surprise, apparently there is a third word that can be used, which I promptly forgot.

Why are all the cutest kids in someone else's class?

2007-10-28T23:41:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I did a sub-shift at Kozoji school which included an AK class (2 year olds) and an AN class (6 year olds). The AK kids were some of the cutest I have seen. Here they are:

But my regular kids are pretty cute too. Here's my AK girl, dressed in a traditional Korean dress and my AM class as a witch, a Hawaiian dancer and Snow White.

And here's a boy from my BZ class trick-or-treating with the school director, Ayano, in the tiger suit. Finally, a picture of my PIN class. Alice (real name: Fuuko) is the only one wearing any costume (bat wings headband), but for some reason we thought we need a photo anyway.

Jack o'Lanterns

2007-10-28T23:08:00.000+09:00

As part of our array of Halloween craft activities at ECC I had the awesome job of making jack o'lanterns with my class of 10-year-olds. The staff members and I were pretty apprehensive about it because it involved the combination of rock-hard Japanese pumpkins and knives (not to mention the fact that none of us had ever made a jack o'lantern before). We settled on using butter knives only, but pre-cooking the pumpkins in the microwave to soften them up a bit. The kids were given cotton cloves to wear as an extra precaution against cuts, but of course, I decided I didn't need gloves, then proceeded to cut myself. One of the girls' pumpkins was so hard that she broke a sweat trying to cut into it. Here are some action shots.

And the finished products:

Not so good news

2007-10-27T19:59:00.000+09:00

Thousands of young foreigners teaching English in Japan were left jobless and in danger of expulsion from the country yesterday after embattled language school giant Nova shut its 925 schools and sought bankruptcy protection from creditors pursuing 43.9 billion yen ($418 million).

Best of luck to all the Nova teachers out there.

SMILE

2007-10-27T09:35:00.000+09:00

Kawaii x Infinity.

Pictures

2007-10-26T00:01:00.001+09:00

It's my first Halloween lesson tomorrow, yay! Expect photos galore.

New Camera

2007-10-22T23:07:00.001+09:00

I bought a camera, hoorah! Now all I need is a flickr account and a million arty photos of water running off and into various surfaces.

Sally

From the living room to the kitchen

Obligatory arty shot

Ko-Hi

2007-10-20T22:14:00.000+09:00

The best thing about the change from summer to autumn? The return of piping hot, slightly burnt tasting coffee in a can.

Why are hot and cold written in English? Good question.

Just like Murphy's Law...

2007-10-18T22:14:00.000+09:00

Thom's law of substitute teaching:

The cuteness/intelligence/friendliness/diligence/good behaviour of your sub shift students has an inverse relationship with the ugliness/denseness/ petulance/ laziness/rudeness of your regular students. Or so it always seems.

Imagine What he can do with his nose

2007-10-16T20:41:00.000+09:00

Kids in the 6-9 age bracket are usually the most trouble; whilst their English skills are a little more developed, they've begun to realize that the gangly foreigners shouting TOUCH YOUR HEAD at them are not quite so scary - we won't actually eat them alive - and furthermore that we can't understand everything that they're saying. They also have the attention span of a goldfish with ADD, which means that if they don't get what you're trying to teach, all hell generally breaks loose.

Today I was teaching my class of six years old, who aren't bad kids all told, but if they're not interested in what I'm teaching, they're quite happy to amuse themselves by trying to eat their cushions or do forward rolls around the room. Today was a particularly challenging structure: With my (ears), I can (hear), which is a pretty long sentence for a six year old. As a result, they tended to garble their way through the oral part of the lesson.

Thom: Repeat after me! With my EARS, I can HEAR
Student: oooith my BEERS, iken YEAR!

It did, however, lead to a couple of funny exchanges with one student in particular.

Thom: With my EYES, I can see!
Student: With my LIES, I can see!
Thom (stifling a laugh): One more time...With my EYES, I can see!
Student: With my ARSE, I can see!

He was all good by the end of the class.

The only that's more badass than a pirate...

2007-10-16T00:18:00.000+09:00

...is a skeleton pirate. Sally and I merged our costumes today, to form a Voltron-esque Halloween behemoth. Behold: Captain Bonesy McPatches.

Vote for this guy

2007-10-15T20:16:00.001+09:00

So a federal election has finally been called, and I must say I'm happy enough being out of the country. Not because a national election is unimportant, but rather the constant media coverage and hoopla is all a bit much. So I'll be casting my vote two weeks earlier than the rest of you, at the Australian consulate in Nagoya.

That being said, Australian elections aren't a patch on the Japanese variety, what with their umpteen million candidates and the sound trucks which drive around early in the morning, blaring various political inanities. Still, I can't help but think that Kevin vs John could do with a bit of spicing up. Maybe a slightly crazy third party candidate. Like this guy, who ran for governer of Tokyo. You can watch his campaign speech below. Highlights include...

"I do not have a single constructive proposal!"
"Annihilate everything that exists!"
"Gentlemen, I despise each and every one of you"
"THE ONLY PATH WE HAVE IS TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT!"

A refreshingly honest candidate.

Imagine this bursting out of a cupboard

2007-10-15T11:43:00.001+09:00

2007-10-15T11:16:00.000+09:00

One of the quirkier tropes of Japanese ethnocentrism is the belief that they - and they alone - experience four distinct, unique seasons. At first I thought this had to be a joke, but I've heard it enough times in class - "Of course, we have four seasons...As you know, we have four seasons" and so on - to be convinced of its validity.

What the Japanese mean to say is that they're the only country with four ridiculously distinct seasons plus a bonus 'not really a season but we'll call it one anyway but we won't count it as a season because that would screw up our whole four seasons exclusivity thing' rainy season. Summer here is not just hot, it's 'lose a pint of sweat upon stepping out the door' hot. In spring they're blessed with the breathtakingly beautiful cherry blossoms, in autumn they have leaves so vivid you'll blind yourself just looking at them, and in winter it snows (hurrah!). It's not just weather, it's weather to the exxxtreme.

Nothing Personal

2007-10-11T23:06:00.000+09:00

The library at the Kokusai (international) centre is a bit of a Godsend, as it has a fairly extensive (certainly by Japanese standard) collection of English language books, which are a bit thin on the ground elsewhere. Today I went to the library before work, in case there was nothing for me to do during a six hour sub shift (no such luck: I was cutting out flashcards, highlighting phone numbers and stuffing tissues like it was going out of style).

Now, the kokusai centre doesn't have the biggest budget in the world, so the rely on book donations from loyal patrons to keep the shelves well stocked. Today I borrowed If on a Winter's Night a Traveler by Italo Calvino, which some kind soul had donated a few years back. They had, however, neglected to remove the rather personal note in the front of the back, apparently written by the original giver of the book. I think they'd a be a tad miffed to find that their emotional outpouring is now available for public perusal.

Latest Yen=gram shop escapades

2007-10-09T14:02:00.000+09:00

I was feeling a bit bored and uninspired yesterday, so I thought a trip to the Yen=gram shop would brighten my day, and bulk out my autumn wardrobe a little. I returned home with the following,
4 knit tops (black, gray, bright blue and bright orange),
a gray vest,
a cream business shirt,
a beige velvet jacket (very warm),
a gray hooded jumper,
three skirts,
and best of all, a pair of pure wool pinstripe dress pants for work.

The two amazing things were that 1) the total cost was less than A$35, and 2) all items fit me, despite the absence of fitting rooms. Yay! Best shopping trip ever!

2007-10-08T20:50:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I went to a musical in which one of my students was acting and singing. I'm rather proud that I managed to get the gist of what was going on, given that a) my Japanese isn't particularly good, and b) the story was apparently written by David Lynch.

In brief: A man is visited on his deathbed by his three bickering daughters and his wife, who is suffering from dementia. He dies, only to be visited by two angels of some sort, who offer him a chance to help his wife, the catch being that he must come back as the twenty five year old version of himself. Along the way he visits heaven (and meets a rainbow wigged God type character), and learns the value of life, love, happiness etc. For reasons I couldn't quite fathom, there were a couple of scenes involving a giant tree, some breakdancing teenagers, a kid in a wheelchair, a mysterious green gem and a schoolgirl who caused a ruckus then disappeared for the rest of the play.

In other weekend news, I got very sweaty playing futsal in Tsu. I also took this photo:

Let me tell you, the somking was furious when he found he wasn't allowed to play. Hahaha, see what I did there?

2007-10-08T02:16:00.000+09:00

The taste is not so good

2007-10-07T12:05:00.000+09:00

Finally, my suspicions have been confirmed. The Japanese can only describe food in one of two ways, umai! (great! brilliant! nicely done etc) or oishii! (delicious). I asked my adult class if they could use any other words and it was as if I'd ask them to cure cancer on the spot. Can't be done.

I love craft time

2007-10-04T11:27:00.001+09:00

I think I always knew this, but it has become clear over the last few months that what I really like about teaching is craft activities. We don't get to do craft in all our kids classes but once every few weeks we get a chance to do some good old cutting and pasting. I know a few teachers who dread these activities the most, or who are so afraid that their kids will cut themselves that they don't let them use scissors, but I feel like it is one way I can let my 'artistic' side out (see my house below). When else in your average adult life are you going to get a chance to make something so simple but pleasing?

The lesson was "Where do you live?" "I live in (Kamimaezu)." I made this craft with my AM kids (around 5 years old). The following class was BW (around 6 or 7 years old) and these girls obviously thought my house was incomplete without a tiny penguin trying to get in the door. Have a closer look. I think one of them must have donated her sticker to the cause. Cute, ne?

A Teaching Moment

2007-10-03T22:12:00.000+09:00

I think every teacher secretly dreams of having a "Goodbye Mr. Chips" moment. You know how it goes: plucky young teacher starts off badly but soon, through hard work, determination and some inspired teaching, turns his young class of ne'er do wells into productive citizens, who fondly remember their schools days...and so on.

Today, I thought my moment had come. A young student of mine, all of five years old, who is both very intelligent and very annoying, took it upon himself to take three stickers instead of one at the end of the class. I was just about to give him a piece of my mind when he returned, looking for all the world like he was ready to repent. This was it. This was the moment in which my entire teaching career would be validated...And then the cheeky little bugger tried to steal another two stickers right out of my! Not. Having. That.

I know one child who is going to have the living crap scared out of them in about three weeks.

North American Scum*

2007-10-03T13:26:00.000+09:00

The votes have been tallied, and I've decided to dress as Jack Skellington for Halloween 2007, despite (or perhaps because of) the potential for children to be scarred for life. I may or may not jump out of a cupboard, depending on what kind of mood I'm in.

Anyhow, one final Halloween related post. Not every costume is macabre...

I'd like you to meet Dylan

I presume that his name is supposed to be Dylan and not Derrin, Darren, or some other derivation thereof. De-I-Ra-N is the literal reading of the katakana, so make up your own mind. You can tell that Dylan is your typical White American, not because of the giant American flag or his pasty white skin, but because of his huge nose and plaid shirt. This costume consists entirely of a plaid shirt. But what would Dylan be without a sexy female sidekick?

Meet Katherine

Once again note the gigantic nose. As far as I can tell, this costume is nothing but a red t-shirt (maybe a blonde wig and prosthetic nose, but I doubt it), which would still make Katherine somewhat overdressed compared to your average Nagoya gyaru. The fact that her hair isn't three stories high is another way to tell the difference.

Whilst I was impressed with this costume, I'm disappointed that there's no Australian equivalent. Where's the Bruce costume, replete with stubby and cork hat? Where's the Shazza costume?

*Title of a song and not my opinion of North Americans.

Hikan Ninja Loves You!

2007-10-01T00:01:00.000+09:00

Japan in 100 words or so

2007-09-27T22:09:00.000+09:00

With thanks to Japan Probe:

A few weeks ago, a show aired on Japanese TV that made some interesting comparisons between Japan and the rest of the world... such as this chart showing how often a day married couples kiss around the world...If it wasn’t for Korea, Japan would have been dead last in the ranking. A dismal 0.56 daily kisses caused the show to state that it was an example of “Bad Nippon.”

...The kissing segment of the show may have made Japan look a bit “bad,” but they followed it up with an international ranking of countries with the most robots. Sure enough, Japan won.

Here is the obligatory Youtube clip. As an Australian I'm emotionally capable of expressing jingoism for many obscure reasons, but I think this just might be the greatest display of slightly skewed patriotism ever.

Y'arrrrr!

2007-09-26T22:44:00.000+09:00

It wouldn't be fair of me to only draw attention to my Halloween costume, so now it's Sally's turn. Although truth be told, her options are a tad crappier than mine.

1. Pumpkin

For some reason Sally is in love with this one, which is a bit of a mystery. Most people don't want to go dressed as what Cinderella's coach turns back into after midnight. It's a bit dowdy yes?

2. Minnie Mouse

Pros: It's lovely and coquettish
Cons: It's not costume number four

3. Mouse Head

Kawaii! Pity it doesn't come with a matching bodysuit.

4. Perfectly respectable and in no way slutty baseball player/nurse/pirate/she-devil

For some reason Sally thinks this would be inappropriate for children. What a slur on the great institute of baseball/profession of nursing/tradition of piracy/the undead! By the way, in case you think I'm some kind of sex crazed pervert, we found these costumes in the middle of one of Japan's most popular department stores.

Skeleton or Spiderman?

2007-09-24T13:32:00.000+09:00

Dear readers of Japanese Confetti,

The holiday season is upon us, and I need your help. We will soon be required to teach our kids all about the wonders of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas (despite most of us coming from Commonwealth countries). Furthermore, may be attending a number of ECC junior Halloween parties, and all of these occasions require an appropriate costume. I would like to ask you, gentle reader, for your opinion on the following options.

1. Jack Skeleton

Pros: Combines cutesiness with the macabre, plus that mask is 100% premium grade kickass.
Cons: May scare smaller children, and lack of peripheral vision may lead to surprise kancho attacks.

2. Winnie the Pooh

Pros: Unbelievably cute, may lead to a 400% increase in hugs.
Cons: Not particularly scary, difficult to wear on the train unless inebriated.

3. Spiderman (Venom symbiote version, or 'Black' to you non-geeks)

Pros: Comes with actual web shooters, good for disciplining unruly kids. Looks cool.
Cons: A tad expensive, spandex fit leaves nothing to the imagination.

4. "Cool Gunman"

Pros: I get to feel like I'm part of the cast of Deadwood
Cons: Deadwood impersonations may lead to excessive profanity.

5. Soul Stalker

Pros: Maximum scariness
Cons: Children will never talk to me again.

6. Ninja

Pros: Dressing like a ninja is always fun.
Cons: The whole ninja thing has been done to death. Not funny anymore guys.

I have about a week or so to decide, so please leave your suggestions in the comments box.